I can't breath! Emotional Breakdown
But why? Will anyone be able to explain to be why I broke? Modern medicine can't explain why I live with this rare disease, cryoglobulinemia. Is it the drugs, is it the disease, is it the prodigious amount of energy and discipline that it takes to keep my head above water to survive? Does living in survival mode for 16 years cause insanity? Or was it simply because I was outside in weather that dropped to 67 degrees? I have learned that my body cannot tolerate temperatures under 70 due to Cryo although most doctors won't agree with me. But I know for a fact that when I ventured outside that day my body became numb, my ears and head felt as if they would explode until I found the respite of the house just steps away. I made a mistake and took a chance that the drugs were possibly healing me. We want to walk away and pretend, even for just a brief moment that our bodies are not failing us when we live with chronic illness even if it is just for one day.
I was sitting on top of the mountain that I have been climbing for 5 1/2 years, finally getting to experience a piece of life that some would call normalcy. I was holding onto HOPE and the drug Rituxan to give we a piece of my life back that I desperately yearned for. But then the unexpected happen and I tripped and fell and when I fell I broken into a thousand million pieces. After the fall I woke up lost and shatter knowing that I had to put all of the pieces back together again like so many times in the past. It's so hard to start over again when the maze has no exit. I'd like to think that my nervous system was affected by the unexpected reaction to the weather, or was it a combination of illness and life, is it the drugs or maybe I was doing to much in my new reality and on overload? I don't know and no one will be able to tell me I'm sure but I'm grateful that my husband, my best friend and my children picked me up and after only 3 days of hell I'm here writing about what was.
- Today I will be grateful.
- Today I will dismiss my madness and focus on healing.
- Today I will reach out and touch at least one person who is hurting in some way.
- Today I will start again at the bottom of the mountain and focus on the peak.
- Today I will only think positive thoughts and not dwell on my fall that shattered my spirit.
- Today I will find the Creator inside of me, the light that guides me back to acceptance and peace.
If you fall let someone pick you up if you can't do it yourself.